This picture…

almost makes cricket look fun!

In other news, its warm, I’m rich – haha well I’m not broke yet, I didn’t forget my sunglasses (fourth time lucky!), aaaand later this afternoon I will wax lyrical on ‘How to be Sophisticated‘.

Its gonna be awesome 🙂

ETA: Serves me right for being a presumptuous so and so… Today I have so much work Kelly Rowland is calling me for pirating her song… *silence*… That was so terrible even I can’t laugh and I laugh at everything I say.

Guess people will just have to wait a few more days to learn how to be sophisticated, though it might be hard for some :).

Three times a…

sign I can’t think of snappy titles for my posts. This post was going to be named “WHY?” until I remembered that I’ve already posted two posts with that very same title. Although one was more like “Whyyyyyyyy” haha.

Anyway this is a series of things I wonder about on the daily:
1. Why did Diaby cut off his fro? I think thats where he held all his footballing skill – like Samson or something.

2. Why is  so sick with it?

3. Why did MTV cancel The Hills?
Or more importantly, why did they let Lauren leave??!! Noone cares about Heidi’s transexual plastic surgeries or Kristin’s contrived beef with the other girls!! (All 26 of us who still watch the show 🙂 )

4. Why do people always talk about politics? Its BORING!

Except maybe chicken politics

5. How in this day and age are there still people who do not believe in anthropogenic climate change?6. What is the probability of the ‘How I Met Your Mother’ writers deciding to retcon the whole season by saying it was all a dream Dallas-style?

(NB: retcon: full term – retroactive continuity – Adding or altering information regarding the back story of a fictional character or world, regardless of whether the change contradicts what was said before).

They should because if you think about it, all thats happened this season is that Ted has seen his future wife’s foot and most recently bought a house. Otherwise nothing – no change in the other character’s lives either (except Robin ‘seriously dating’ Don,  but the show doesn’t seem to care about that or even bother to show it, so why should I?)

7. Speaking of retcons, what’s with Kiely (formerly of 3LW and Cheetah Girls) retconning her super-slutty song Spectacular?

Sample of the lyrics:

Last I remember I was face down
Ass up, clothes off, broke off, dozed off
Even though I’m not sure of his name
He could get it again if he wanted
Cause the sex was spectacular
The sex was spectacular (yeaaah)
…
So it was the morning after
I couldn’t get home faster
Doing the walk of shame
In the same clothes from yesterday
I think he pulled a track out
When he was blowing my back out
What was I drinking
I cant believe I blacked out
…
You can say what you want but
You can call me a slut but
What he did to me last night felt so good
I must have been on drugs
I hope he used a rubber
Or I’mma be in trouble

After unanimous criticism from like, the whole world, Kiely said:

“Young women across the country get intoxicated and have unprotected sex. That’s a fact. I recorded the song to bring attention to this frighteningly prevalent activity. It is absurd to infer or suggest that I am condoning this behavior.”

Just a little reminder: “Even though I’m not sure of his name he could get it again if he wanted, Cause the sex was spectacular”. Back to you, Kiely!

“I wrote Spectacular and made the video to bring attention to a serious womens health and safety issue. Please dont shoot the messenger.”

HAHA world’s biggest retcon – Dallas better give up their crown.

The vid can be found here.

8. Why do people still care about Esther Arunga? That story broke like 3 months ago… people need to move on.

9. Why are people hating on Mourihno so bad lol. Dude can’t help it if his team just keeps on winning… Inter FTW!

The Special One

10. Is there anything Amazon doesn’t sell? Seriously. I’m about to hit up the site once more to check for some…

nom nom nom

11. KFC chicken! Why aren’t there any KFCs in Belgium?? All they have is Hector’s Chicken – which is pretty good but like double the price. I don’t play that shit ya dig?

12. Why don’t people understand the greatness of Britney Spears? And why do they always handwave her super-awesome comeback??? Remember when everyone was predicting that she was gonna OD and die or whatever? In yo face, haters!!

And finally… how come my mom is so awesome??

Happy Birthday!!!!!!

She’s really 35 but I’m retconning her age as her birthday present 😀 (cheapskate alert!!)

Jaguars and Chickens and Models… Oh my!

So on Friday, I was super bored at work. So bored I put myself through the ordeal of reading Zuqka ONLINE (whoever’s running that website is getting paid too much!), although luckily I did not sink so low as to read that terrible two-page section in the middle by TK (or something) about all the lame parties that he attends and then subsequently inflicts upon us. The problem letters were on point as usual, but the high point was the Jaguar interview! That shit was hilarious haha.

First of all, I think the writer has a crush on Prezzo:

Maybe Jaguar prefers a simpler look, but he certainly doesn’t ooze class like Prezzo does. Certainly not in a drab black jacket, “customised” T-shirt, blue denims and black sneakers.

Swear down, I have never heard anyone describe Jackson “Basically” Prezzo as “oozing class”! The fuck?? This being the same dude who supposedly got some video ho pregnant at a video shoot after snorting coke in the loo. Class? HAH! Although Jaguar does look kind of – ordinary I guess. Haha.

Jaguar with his Jaguar (haha)

Then there is the dude’s writing skills. The whole article is pretty much this – but an example:

“I used to walk kilometres to the studio, sometimes without food.” This seems to be an obvious barb aimed at Prezzo who grew up in the shiny parts of Nairobi.

Yeah because whenever I really want to hit people where it hurts, I laugh at the fact that they can afford food without referencing them in my insult. This is super-obvious and clearly I should change my M.O. when engaging in mchongoano or whatever. And – “shiny parts of Nairobi” – seriously?? HAHAHA…It must be the reason why Prezzo rocks stunnaz so much.

Then Prezzo (from the shiny parts of Nai) burns Jaguar, in his own interview! haha:

Prezzo didn’t know whether Jaguar “is a car or a person” and that he certainly didn’t dance to his music, if there was any. “Is he anywhere in the list of top 100 Kenyans? He doesn’t even deserve to be in the ‘others’ category. He should try to up his game. I know he’s nobody,” fumed Prezzo.
So why would Jaguar attack him for no reason? “It’s like picking on Jay Z so as to boost his career. I think his tho*g is too tight; he needs to loosen it,” says Prezzo.

Oozing class as usual... basically

OK its not a wicked burrrn, but then again Prezzo isn’t exactly very smart, and those drugs arent making him any sharper mentally. (Shinier, maybe). For him its impressive. Love that they censored thong though, how random of Nation!

Best sentence ever – from Jaguar on hearing that Prezzo was saying he’d never heard of  him:

“That was the greatest shock of my life. How can Prezzo claim not to know me when he dances to my music?” wonders Jaguar.

This is the most homotional thing I’ve ever read. The dude sounds like he’s about to break down or something. Let it go, Jaguar. I’m pretty most people in Nai don’t know about you (except through this laughable interview) or dance to your ‘music’ on the regular. Maybe in Red Tape.

And finally, my favourite part – the conclusion:

In the latest showbiz war pitting two financial giants in the music industry, Jaguar wants only to be known as one thing: Legendary.

So much win in that sentence my brain nearly exploded trying to decide where to start. I think I’ll let this one go haha. Although that appropriating of Barney Stinson’s catchphrase is awful!! AWFUL. Karma’s gonna get you, Jaguar.

Anyway, onto the chickens:

Residents of a Belgian town are to be offered chickens as part of a campaign to reduce household waste.

The town of Mouscron has 50 pairs of chickens that it will distribute to families with sufficient space to keep the birds in their gardens.
Those who take part in the scheme must agree not to eat the chickens for at least two years, or to give them away. (Hahaha).  Local officials are stressing that applicants could gain a supply of free, fresh eggs. (Like people need any motivation! Its free chickens!!)
The town council’s environment department is building on the success of a previous distribution of chickens, officials told Belgium’s La Derniere Heure. The aim of the project is to publicise alternative methods of waste management.

Love it! These Belgians are super crazy. When they are not busy hideously inflating people’s gas bills (VICTIM), or making out in metros (UNWILLING VIEWER AND/OR LISTENER [true story] – gadammit keep that shit to yourself, especially if you are OLD!!! ) they are coming up with ways to decrease waste like giving people chickens! I think the Kenyan government should take a leaf out of the Belgians’ book!! Free chickens=awesome. I think this is the best thing I’ve ever heard about Belgium!! Too bad I don’t live in Mouscron.

And finally, models:

I think this video speaks for itself. Hilarious!! Literally the funniest thing ever.The way she totters for a few steps trying to regain balance; its  like visual poetry. Beautiful. The icing on the cake is the reporters’ inability to stop laughing. It just makes me start laughing all over again. And now I must go and cry because I will never in my life again set my eyes on such a divine vision. HAHA. Also her shoes are so bright!! Lol

Happy Monday!! (Today was a good day [/Icecube]

Sven Kramer

In case you didn’t know, the Winter Olympics are ongoing in Vancouver.  Its all very exciting and whatnot… probably. I have not been following them at all except vicariously through my workmates. And what a good thing it was too, because I discovered Sven Kramer.  wOOt.He’s like the world’s best skater ever, and has like three world records – even though he (OR HIS COACH!!) screwed up the 10, 000m this year in Vancouver he’s still got the record! (Disclaimer: no research was carried out in the construction of the above sentence. Except if you count Wikipedia)

Not only is Sven super hot (YMMV) but he’s also the king of interviews :).

This video is well worth watching, and its only 15 seconds long. “Are you stupid?” is my new favourite phrase! Context: he had just won the 5,000m race and the gold medal – and this reporter doesn’t know his name OR country. And apparently couldn’t ask someone, check anywhere around her, or Google it (mobile internet is your friend!). Despite the fact that it is her job to know. Haha.

There was a better one where he explains why he called the reporter stupid (“its ridiculous”, “she’s crazy”), but the stupid Olympics Committee has put a copyright claim on it. Selfish assholes.

ETA: THEY’VE DONE IT AGAIN! So now even the above vid is unwatchable.  Assholes.

In other news:

Chelsea lost yesterday to Inter but only 2-1. Damn. Also I think winter may finally be over *prays that the weather gods do not laugh in my face, and . or snow*.

Unless they:. In which case, do your worst, weather gods!

HAHA:

"You got me tripping (oh!), stumbling (yeah)"