Jaguars and Chickens and Models… Oh my!

So on Friday, I was super bored at work. So bored I put myself through the ordeal of reading Zuqka ONLINE (whoever’s running that website is getting paid too much!), although luckily I did not sink so low as to read that terrible two-page section in the middle by TK (or something) about all the lame parties that he attends and then subsequently inflicts upon us. The problem letters were on point as usual, but the high point was the Jaguar interview! That shit was hilarious haha.

First of all, I think the writer has a crush on Prezzo:

Maybe Jaguar prefers a simpler look, but he certainly doesn’t ooze class like Prezzo does. Certainly not in a drab black jacket, “customised” T-shirt, blue denims and black sneakers.

Swear down, I have never heard anyone describe Jackson “Basically” Prezzo as “oozing class”! The fuck?? This being the same dude who supposedly got some video ho pregnant at a video shoot after snorting coke in the loo. Class? HAH! Although Jaguar does look kind of – ordinary I guess. Haha.

Jaguar with his Jaguar (haha)

Then there is the dude’s writing skills. The whole article is pretty much this – but an example:

“I used to walk kilometres to the studio, sometimes without food.” This seems to be an obvious barb aimed at Prezzo who grew up in the shiny parts of Nairobi.

Yeah because whenever I really want to hit people where it hurts, I laugh at the fact that they can afford food without referencing them in my insult. This is super-obvious and clearly I should change my M.O. when engaging in mchongoano or whatever. And – “shiny parts of Nairobi” – seriously?? HAHAHA…It must be the reason why Prezzo rocks stunnaz so much.

Then Prezzo (from the shiny parts of Nai) burns Jaguar, in his own interview! haha:

Prezzo didn’t know whether Jaguar “is a car or a person” and that he certainly didn’t dance to his music, if there was any. “Is he anywhere in the list of top 100 Kenyans? He doesn’t even deserve to be in the ‘others’ category. He should try to up his game. I know he’s nobody,” fumed Prezzo.
So why would Jaguar attack him for no reason? “It’s like picking on Jay Z so as to boost his career. I think his tho*g is too tight; he needs to loosen it,” says Prezzo.

Oozing class as usual... basically

OK its not a wicked burrrn, but then again Prezzo isn’t exactly very smart, and those drugs arent making him any sharper mentally. (Shinier, maybe). For him its impressive. Love that they censored thong though, how random of Nation!

Best sentence ever – from Jaguar on hearing that Prezzo was saying he’d never heard of  him:

“That was the greatest shock of my life. How can Prezzo claim not to know me when he dances to my music?” wonders Jaguar.

This is the most homotional thing I’ve ever read. The dude sounds like he’s about to break down or something. Let it go, Jaguar. I’m pretty most people in Nai don’t know about you (except through this laughable interview) or dance to your ‘music’ on the regular. Maybe in Red Tape.

And finally, my favourite part – the conclusion:

In the latest showbiz war pitting two financial giants in the music industry, Jaguar wants only to be known as one thing: Legendary.

So much win in that sentence my brain nearly exploded trying to decide where to start. I think I’ll let this one go haha. Although that appropriating of Barney Stinson’s catchphrase is awful!! AWFUL. Karma’s gonna get you, Jaguar.

Anyway, onto the chickens:

Residents of a Belgian town are to be offered chickens as part of a campaign to reduce household waste.

The town of Mouscron has 50 pairs of chickens that it will distribute to families with sufficient space to keep the birds in their gardens.
Those who take part in the scheme must agree not to eat the chickens for at least two years, or to give them away. (Hahaha).  Local officials are stressing that applicants could gain a supply of free, fresh eggs. (Like people need any motivation! Its free chickens!!)
The town council’s environment department is building on the success of a previous distribution of chickens, officials told Belgium’s La Derniere Heure. The aim of the project is to publicise alternative methods of waste management.

Love it! These Belgians are super crazy. When they are not busy hideously inflating people’s gas bills (VICTIM), or making out in metros (UNWILLING VIEWER AND/OR LISTENER [true story] – gadammit keep that shit to yourself, especially if you are OLD!!! ) they are coming up with ways to decrease waste like giving people chickens! I think the Kenyan government should take a leaf out of the Belgians’ book!! Free chickens=awesome. I think this is the best thing I’ve ever heard about Belgium!! Too bad I don’t live in Mouscron.

And finally, models:

I think this video speaks for itself. Hilarious!! Literally the funniest thing ever.The way she totters for a few steps trying to regain balance; its  like visual poetry. Beautiful. The icing on the cake is the reporters’ inability to stop laughing. It just makes me start laughing all over again. And now I must go and cry because I will never in my life again set my eyes on such a divine vision. HAHA. Also her shoes are so bright!! Lol

Happy Monday!! (Today was a good day [/Icecube]