Posts Tagged stupid

I watched this so you don’t have to: Bride Wars

*** MAD SPOILERS ETC ETC ***

So last year I watched The Bounty Hunter, which was a terrible experience to say the least.  But I remained positive that most romcoms are better than this. Then I watched Valentine’s Day, which was too dire to even write about. So for a long time I have stuck to watching TV shows (if anyone’s keeping track, I finally obtained, and massively enjoyed Angel :D). But the other day, I came home from a long day at uni, or work and I was too tired to watch an intense episode of Firefly or something. So I decided to download a romcom! Having recently read a list on Listverse of the Top 10 Movie Wedding Disasters with Bride Wars featuring at number 10, I was well up for some movielite!

So the cast: Anne Hathaway; Kate Hudson and others. This is Kate Hudson’s type of movie, although I do NOT like her hair in it. And she’s some sort of brilliant lawyer, which requires even me – the romcom queen – to allocate large amounts of brain power to successfully suspending disbelief. Anne Hathaway – what can I say? She is much better than this movie. Her character in the movie is much better than this weak ass plot. Which leads us to…

The weak ass Plot: Two girls who have been best friends since they were like five, get engaged at the same time. The wedding planner (apparently the best in New York – uh yeah right!) messes up their bookings so that their wedding ends up being booked for the same day at the same time at the Plaza. For many stupid and inexplicable reasons, this date cannot be changed, there is no other date until three years from then, no one will swap with them, there is no chance of a double wedding and none of them will just have their wedding at another hotel or any other compromise. Chaos and hilarious pranks ensue.

Liv (played by Kate Hudson) has always been the stronger character and won’t stand down.  Emma (Anne H.) has always let Liv have her way and just wants to get what SHE wants for once. So after neither of them look like backing down from that day, its all out WAR. Liv steals Emma’s DJ. So Emma sends Liv chocolates and cookies so she can get fat and no longer fit into her Vera Wang dress. Then Liv spikes Emma’s tanning solution so she ends up oompa-loompa orange instead of a soft bridal glow.

Emma in turn spikes Liv’s hair-dye solution and her hair:

"is BLUE. ITS BLUEEEE" - Oscar-worthy performance!

Some more shenanigans include Liv stealing Emma’s montage-DVD (THIS IS IMPORTANT LATER) and of course, the dance-off.

In which Emma overshadows Liv at her own Bachelorette party, because somehow her ballroom dancing classes have led to her being an expert in stripper- and break-dancing. And it also appears that Liv does not even know what dancing is – only able to wave her hands helplessly like an alien while Emma breakdances circles around her. There might have been more pranks but to be honest I skipped athrough all that the first time and only knew to find the dance montage because I wikipediad the movie later.

Finally… Its the day of the wedding. Both girls have crappy maids-of-honor because they couldn’t be each others. Emma’s parents come to say hello to Liv anyway (I think hers are dead? Or anyway they’re gone) and she feels bad and decides to swap back the DVDs. Her maid-of-honour/assistant however assumes its a prank (HOW? WHY? WHO DOES THAT?) and throws the DVD in a flowerpot. SO then, instead of a lame cute video montage THIS happens:

EMMA ON SPRING BREAK!! WOOO- no?

and then – BRIDE WARS!!

Seriously. I initially fast-forwarded through all this crap, because honestly – I was like WTF have I just wasted precious hours of my life on? But then I had to rewatch to get the screencaps therefore rendering my frantic clicking through the movie moot. Oh well.

But then it turns out that Emma doesn’t even get married. Her boyfriend doesn’t like what she’s become. Wikipedia tells me that he was too controlling, but if I was gonna marry someone and they turned into some psycho bridezilla (groomzilla) I’d deep-six that shit too. I missed the nuances of their utterly realistic relationship due to fast-forwarding though, so maybe he was super-controlling! Kate Liv gets married happily. And you think thats the end but its NOT. See? Coz, a year later Emma gets married to Liv’s brother. Which is not made obvious at all throughout the movie (sarcasm).

And then it turns out they’re pregnant at the same time and due on the same date (June 3rd, if anyone cares). Then the movie ends. I smell a sequeeeel :).

Womb Wars: Two best friends had always dreamed of giving birth in Cedars Sinai Hospital, Room 666. There was deep sentimental value for both of them to this room. By some strange coincidence, they are due on the same date! Neither will give up the room, but only one can give birth in Room 666. Who will win… the Womb Wars!!

Anyhooow… some random thoughts:

  • Movie less than an hour and a half, still felt too long.
  • Are there really people in this world who feel this strongly about their wedding?? I don’t even care about mine. But seriously, these women are best friends. And they are horrible to each other. I was genuinely horrified that some people reviewing on Amazon felt it depicted a realistic bride. Whoever you are bridezillas- ITS NEVER THAT SERIOUS.
  • Kate Hudson’s alien dance. Wish I could make GIFs, it was terrible.
  • Worse than The Bounty Hunter (yes, really) – EVEN WORSE THAN Fool’s Gold. OK maybe comparable to Fool’s Gold. (My opinion of course).
  • 11% on Rotten Tomatoes. Deserves less.
  • I didn’t even fast forward through Hannah Montana the Movie (although I was in Brussels so you know… different situation) but I fast-forwarded through this.
  • Anne Hathaway is truly much MUCH better than Bride Wars. But at least everyone seems to know this.
  • I googled womb wars to see if anyone had somehow already come up with this idea and made an awesome picture because I’m too lazy. But all there was was right-wing pro-life  propaganda with pictures of creepy fetuses (fetii?). America ruins everything.
  • Do not watch this movie ever.

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LOL at Facebook

Haha, Facebook knows nothing. Since they insist on this stupid ‘Suggestions’ and do not make it optional in spite of my and other people’s complaints, I started looking at them to see what they are suggesting. The first one?

Haha. Really? Because I think this website dedicated entirely to the Liverpool – Arsenal rivalry, as well as millions of Scousers and Londoners (plus international people of class in the case of Arsenal) would beg to differ. Facebook don’t know their football, nyeeee!

Even worse was this: I don’t even think people who like Manchester United like him!! Well OK I know the girls do. And some gay boys. But still. Speaking of which, apparently Ronaldo has a kid now? This is so funny.

Ronaldo wrote on his Facebook and Twitter:

“It is with great joy and emotion that I inform I have recently  become a father to a baby boy. As agreed with the baby’s mother, who prefers to have her identity kept  confidential, my son will be under my exclusive guardianship”

Source.

Whatever works for him I guess.

Last but not least from Facebook – No words, Facebook. (Except – just retire your stupid suggestions because they SUCK!)

Finally, let it not be said that I reserve my ridiculing prowess (ha!) only for Facebook. Here’s a search result I got on MTV when searching for The Hills, probably their most popular reality show ever.I mean. What does that even mean?? You so dumb MTV hahahaaaa

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Is it just me…

.. or is Seth Rogen the most intensely unlikeable actor ever?

Full disclosure: I had never actually seen him in any of the movies that he’d been in before (including but not limited to Knocked Up and You, Me and Dupree). Apparently he was in Anchorman? I don’t remember that.

However, I did see Observe and Report, this terrible, terrible movie that he starred in as a bi-polar mall cop who wants to be a policeman but is too certifiably dumb to make it, and who spends the whole movie trying to catch a flasher, and who may or may not have date-raped the ‘hot’ blonde make-up shop girl after she finally agrees to go on a date with him. And of course he ends up with the pretty but unnoticeable girl after discovering HB (Hot Blonde) is a bitch and rejecting her in a manner that ensures public humiliation for her. Of course.

If it sounds awful, thats because it was. This movie was absolutely dire. And more than that, Seth Rogen was downright disgusting in it. I was surprised that this was the guy the world was making such a big deal about (well last year anyway). But I decided to give him the old benefit of the doubt – you know, maybe it was just the movie? Maybe I no longer have the capacity to enjoy frat-boy humour (if indeed I ever had it)?

But recently, I started watching Freaks and Geeks (ten years after it gets cancelled, go me!) and even though I thought Judd Apatow was unnecessarily hyped these last two years over his movies, I am really enjoying the show! But thats not the point (another day maybe). The point is; Seth Rogen is on the show and has a pretty minor role, but yet he still manages to ruin EVERY single scene he’s in for me. I actually can’t see the point of his character at all. He’s not funny, he’s never involved in any of the plots and if he’s meant to be comic relief, well – he’s failing dismally. Plus his face annoys me!

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Well I started writing this yesterday and when I got home, I discovered that Undeclared had finished downloading (I’m on a Judd Apatow TV kick in case you can’t tell)! To my dismay, Seth Rogen is a main character in this show. He’s just really not funny and now I have to see him in every other scene. Not only that, but he’s playing essentially the same character he did in Freaks and Geeks. I can’t help but think that this is him (ie that he’s not actually acting). Which is sad because he makes my skin crawl.

He was also involved in a love plot in the latest F&G episode that I watched and he ended up kissing the girl that he was into. YUK. I need brain bleach to erase that memory from my head.

At least Google agrees with me – mostly! I don’t know who the screw-ups who think he’s hot are!

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“Life is making mistakes”: A Review (and recap!) of The Bounty Hunter

Due to circumstances beyond my control, I am forced to be at work on a Friday with no actual work to do. I’ve already downloaded the Supernatural season 5 finale (if Cas dies I’ll cry – real talk!) and now waiting an hour before going for some other series as well – stupid Hotfile!. So I’m being kind and posting a review of this travesty. I already subjected myself to watching it yesterday so now we must all suffer the consequences.

First and foremost, this movie is no Another Cinderella Story AKA instant classic :). I downloaded it with great good some expectations; I mean its a romcom – its meant to be fluffy and funny and that’s pretty much all it has to be for me to enjoy it.

The Cast: I like Jennifer Aniston and I think she’s funny, despite her playing the same role in every freaking movie. Gerard Butler, I have never seen in a movie. Well I saw him in the beginning of PS I Love You (23% on Rotten Tomatoes) but that movie was so much trash I didn’t even bother to forward to the ending. And I haven’t watched 300. And I will never watch The Ugly Truth.  Oh wait, I saw him in Rock and Rolla – that was awesome!!

The Plot: So, Nicole or Nic – that nickname really annoyed me – is a reporter. Milo Boyd is a bounty hunter. He used to be a detective but he got fired probably for being an alcoholic and a gambling addict. He gets his next assignment after an utterly hilarious chase sequence with a guy on stilts … *tumbleweed* … and to his delight, its to get his ex-wife, Nic (ugh). She missed a court date because of a juicy story and is now a fugitive. So he chases her round NY and Atlantic City among other places. Hilarity ensues.

Kidnap + tasers + getting punched in the nuts=high comedy!

**NB: SPOILERS GALORE BELOW**

Or not. This movie sucks bronze monkey balls. The main plot is ridiculous and it’s flanked by absolutely pointless subplots.  Nicole’s stumbled onto a story (she’s an investigative reporter apparently) and it turns out to be BIG. The BIGGEST. (It’s just people obtaining coke from the evidence room when a case doesn’t go to trial. That’s not even real stealing!) Soon she’s got useless assassins in black SUVs trying to kill her.  Ugh. Meanwhile Milo gets Nic, she gives him $500 and says he can turn into $10 000 which is more than he gets for returning her, therefore he should let her go so that she can continue to investigate this “story”.

He doesn’t manage it (and loses the $8k he’d won thus far to boot), and in the process of running away from the assassins and from Milo’s casino people to whom he owes $11 000 they return to the Bed and Breakfast where they had their honeymoon (and where the owners remember them from three years ago and how in love they were and are, natch) and recall their old lives and try to figure out where it all went wrong. That’s when we get this priceless quote:

Nicole Hurley: Life is making mistakes.
Milo Boyd: And death is wishing you had made more.

Nope. There are some I wish I never made. Like wasting two hours of my life on this (more if you count snack preparation time)!

Anyway Nic and Milo are about to get back together when the “conflict” comes up. You know, the mandatory conflict that MUST occur in every single romcom. In this case, Milo makes a manly man comment to his boss about getting some and Nicole overhears and gets pissed off because she thought it was all for real. Which it was but Milo wanted to be all fratboy-like. So she handcuffs him to the bed and runs away after which she is promptly kidnapped by the casino goons. Stupid woman.

OK lets divert for a second to the sideplots (gotta have some suspense you know):

Sideplot 1: Nicole’s completely crazy workmate Dwight (I thought it was Stuart till I looked it up on IMDB) who believes he is in a relationship because they made out once when she was drunk, and keeps calling her to check on their “relationship”.

Hiding in the ladies bathroom... not weird at all bro

Anyway, after following Nicole and Milo everywhere like the crazy that he is, Dwight ends up being mistaken for Milo by one of the casino goons following Milo and gets his leg broken, injected with horse tranquilizer and the last we see of him he is “breaking up” with Nicole. Kind of.

Sideplot 2: Milo’s best friend Bobby, some black cop guy ends up looking very likely to be involved in the dastardly coke plot but in the end turns out he was a double agent and is of course a good guy. He still gets shot though (its always the black ones)! He wasn’t even in the trailer so no screenshots. He was lame. I wish he’d been bad.

There were others but I can’t be bothered.

In the end… Milo frees Nicole from where the goons have her, in some club, by taking their money (thousands and thousands of dolla dolla bills y’all) and using it to start a riot. They get back to NYC just in time to save the magical negro from the bad guy. Then Milo takes Nic to jail. She uses her one phone call to phone in her story which apparently is “just like her”… career-women you know. BTW this has been a specific complaint against her throughout the movie, that she is too career driven. Even by her mom. Subtle, Hollywood.

Then Milo punches a cop who disses him for being a wanna-be/has-been (WHICH HE IS!! Hello, Living in the Past meet Milo!!) so he gets arrested. Then they kiss. Then it ends. Probably.

Terrible.

Some random thoughts:

This movie should have been a lot shorter. They should’ve cut out the “action” – it was lame. Romcoms should be romcoms not action-adventure/mystery/Nancy Drewy romcoms!!

The black guy should HAVE BEEN BAD! Why does every single little freaking thing have to turn out good?

What happened to Milo’s debt? Just because the casino goons didn’t catch him doesn’t mean they won’t stop trying. Plus now he took MORE of their money and threw it all away in the club… He gon’ die!!!

The director is Andy Tennant, who also directed Fool’s Gold and Hitch. Compared to Fool’s Gold this movie is Oscar-worthy. So its not the worst of the worst.

8% rating on Rotten Tomatoes. Eight per cent!! HAHA.

Gerard Butler has a teeerrrible American accent in the beginning of the movie. It gets better with time. He also looks really dirty. Yuk. Also his character is a massive bully.

Finally, I begun writing this last week and realised it was slowly making me lose the will to live. But I came back ready and willing woop!

PS: Supernatural finale was fiyaaaah 🙂 Can’t wait for Season 6!! Although it would also have been a fitting series finale. Let’s see what they do next season 🙂

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Rants and Raves: Facebook Edition

***NB: I just spent lots of valuable work time updating my previous Facebook post when I realised – Hey, this could totally be its own post! So I’m reposting for truth***

The Evolution of Facebook in 2010 (is it an evolution if it’s regressing?) – or rather, what I hate about Facebook!

MARK ZUCKERBERG AND FACEBOOK EMPLOYEES  are a bunch of penii!! Seriously. Everything they do just makes it worse. I hated the change from ‘Become a Fan’ to ‘Like – not least because this joke is no longer relevant:

I hate the search changes and the fact that now when I try to search for MY FRIENDS, random people and groups come up. Who told Facebook we were too stupid to ADD OUR OWN FRIENDS?? Why do they keep throwing people at us?? STOP IT. This is the exact same reason why I hate Suggestions and People You May Know. We can make our own decisions, we don’t need constant prompts!! Just because I know someone does not mean they are my friend. And stop recycling people I reject!! STOP IT.

I hate the new Community Pages. Luckily I had already deleted lots and lots of my profile information and avoided most of the dumb links between pages and your own profile information. I’m only a fan of I only like 10 things on Facebook so it’s not so bad. But why are they doing this?? What was wrong with just having a paragraph of your interests??

I HATE the fact that Facebook doesn’t just allow you to hide your profile information and thus if there’s no option for something in the ‘Friends, Tags and Comments’ section (or whatever) then people can see it. Thanks for making me move my favourite quotes, douchenozzles!!

I hate that now when I go onto websites, they always ask me to add a comment with my name already there despite the fact that I opted out of this ridiculousness!

I especially hate the fact that they incorporate all these dumb-ass changes and say its for the users! DON’T LIE ASSHOLES!! We know you just want that advertising money. Corporate tossers!

Here’s an interesting read on Facebook’s privacy policy from The New York Times – apparently the policy’s word count is now longer than that of the US Constitution (without amendments)!!

I wonder what Marky Zucky (totally TMing that hehe) is going to do next in an effort to sell information without looking like he is. Douchebag.

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WTF SMH MONDAY

Happy freaking Monday first of all!! MONDAYS SUCK! Its freaking 6 degrees outside today. SIX DEGREES!! In May. And its raining!! SMH. Also the gas has been turned off so we can’t turn the heating on. *^#&$#&#!

Second, today I had my mp3 player on random and the most random songs were coming on, including You are on my Mind – Soul4Real haha, lots of Britney, lots of Jay-Z and last but not least Shake that Ass, a 2001 ‘classic’ – remember those days of Mystikal before he went to jail?

Anyway Mystikal is finally out of jail after 6 years woop! Except not really.

From Wikipedia:

On January 16, 2004, Mystikal was sentenced to six years in prison after pleading guilty to forcing his hairstylist to perform sex acts. He also admitted to extortion. The rapper and two bodyguards forced the woman to perform oral sex, have sex with them, and accused her of stealing $80,000 in checks. Mystikal initially denied the assault, but confessed after a videotape of the crime was found at his home.

What an asshole, right? And not only that, but this dude gets out of jail after 6 years (where he was also serving a concurrent sentence for tax evasion) and says:

“I was gone so long, all the things I achieved, all the accolades I attained, it felt like it was dream. It felt like I’d never done that stuff. But watch how I shake this world up now — I want reparations.”

Now from Dictionary.com: reparations -the making of amends for wrong or injury done: reparation for an injustice.

Un-freaking-believable. REPARATIONS FOR WHAT NOW?? No one made him rape and sexually assault that woman!!  This is just ridiculous. Dude was a rapper; if Jeezy’s roadies have groupies then I’m sure he had chicks throwing themselves at him left, right and centre. SMH.

From MTV:

“We gotta pay more attention to what we doing, ourselves,” he opined. “We can’t be foolish, especially when you’re blessed and successful beyond your dreams. We gotta tighten up.”

Why is Mystikal talking like he went to jail for like, doing drugs in his house or something which although dumb; would only affect him?? What’s all this ‘we’ stuff? Rappers don’t generally gang up on women they employ with their bodyguards and rape them. I think Mystikal is living in some ‘sideways world’ (the writers of Lost had no cool way to say alternate reality haha) or something where he thinks he can come out, just brush over this and everything is OK. LOL at Jive though – he’s still under contract to them. They are the true losers SMH.

Random sidenote: I’m working with literally the stupidest person I have ever met, ever. I hope for her sake she gets to go back to her office soon or I might just have to kill her. Sample of her stupidity: She has spent the whole morning and half the afternoon “compiling info” – ie taking info that I’ve ALREADY compiled and copy-pasting it into another Excel sheet and saying ‘Look at what I’ve done – is it good?” Yes, because its mine, bitch.

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Whyyyyyyy?

Seriously, why???? I swear if I knew her, I’d bitchslap her Ari Gold-style:

and then forcibly delete her account. Some people just don’t have the minimum mental capability to be unleashed on social networks. This is by no means the worst I’ve seen, but I’m always forgetting to screen cap the atrocities. Actually scratch that, it is the worst. WTF?? What is UP with that name? Who describes themselves as Poeticgurl (ugh, “gurl”)?? This is exactly the kind of person who says, “I don’t want any more drama, I’m just doing me” or some other equally retarded phrase and then gets in some kind of immature teen girl fight with her ‘frenemy’ in the next hour. Methinks she’s watched too much Laguna Beach/The Hills.

Why can’t people just be normal online!!!!

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And another one: this one I found while reading crazy (ha) stories of what Nairobians get up to when high in the fb group ‘I got drunk in Nairobi, and lived to tell the tale (if I remember clearly)‘.TMI ALERT, TMI ALERT!! In a group with over 2k strangers??? WTF???? So not only are you a drunken, cheating, lying, nepotist whore (yay feminism! haha) but you also advertise this fact on random groups walls? Plus, your name is ‘Babygal‘????? A thousand bitchslaps upon your visage!

At least she’s a Chelsea fan! Fits right in with JT and Ashley Cole!!

I clicked on her profile – curiosity is a motherbitch – and lo and behold… this ‘Babygal’ is one fine specimen of humanity – I don’t mean literally, I didn’t look at her pics, but look at her description:

Seriously????? What the hell is that about? I wonder if she knows you’re supposed to say nice things about yourself. And at least attempt to use vaguely correct spelling. Oh yeah and

Powerful.

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