Posts Tagged review

I watched this so you don’t have to: Bride Wars

*** MAD SPOILERS ETC ETC ***

So last year I watched The Bounty Hunter, which was a terrible experience to say the least.  But I remained positive that most romcoms are better than this. Then I watched Valentine’s Day, which was too dire to even write about. So for a long time I have stuck to watching TV shows (if anyone’s keeping track, I finally obtained, and massively enjoyed Angel :D). But the other day, I came home from a long day at uni, or work and I was too tired to watch an intense episode of Firefly or something. So I decided to download a romcom! Having recently read a list on Listverse of the Top 10 Movie Wedding Disasters with Bride Wars featuring at number 10, I was well up for some movielite!

So the cast: Anne Hathaway; Kate Hudson and others. This is Kate Hudson’s type of movie, although I do NOT like her hair in it. And she’s some sort of brilliant lawyer, which requires even me – the romcom queen – to allocate large amounts of brain power to successfully suspending disbelief. Anne Hathaway – what can I say? She is much better than this movie. Her character in the movie is much better than this weak ass plot. Which leads us to…

The weak ass Plot: Two girls who have been best friends since they were like five, get engaged at the same time. The wedding planner (apparently the best in New York – uh yeah right!) messes up their bookings so that their wedding ends up being booked for the same day at the same time at the Plaza. For many stupid and inexplicable reasons, this date cannot be changed, there is no other date until three years from then, no one will swap with them, there is no chance of a double wedding and none of them will just have their wedding at another hotel or any other compromise. Chaos and hilarious pranks ensue.

Liv (played by Kate Hudson) has always been the stronger character and won’t stand down.  Emma (Anne H.) has always let Liv have her way and just wants to get what SHE wants for once. So after neither of them look like backing down from that day, its all out WAR. Liv steals Emma’s DJ. So Emma sends Liv chocolates and cookies so she can get fat and no longer fit into her Vera Wang dress. Then Liv spikes Emma’s tanning solution so she ends up oompa-loompa orange instead of a soft bridal glow.

Emma in turn spikes Liv’s hair-dye solution and her hair:

"is BLUE. ITS BLUEEEE" - Oscar-worthy performance!

Some more shenanigans include Liv stealing Emma’s montage-DVD (THIS IS IMPORTANT LATER) and of course, the dance-off.

In which Emma overshadows Liv at her own Bachelorette party, because somehow her ballroom dancing classes have led to her being an expert in stripper- and break-dancing. And it also appears that Liv does not even know what dancing is – only able to wave her hands helplessly like an alien while Emma breakdances circles around her. There might have been more pranks but to be honest I skipped athrough all that the first time and only knew to find the dance montage because I wikipediad the movie later.

Finally… Its the day of the wedding. Both girls have crappy maids-of-honor because they couldn’t be each others. Emma’s parents come to say hello to Liv anyway (I think hers are dead? Or anyway they’re gone) and she feels bad and decides to swap back the DVDs. Her maid-of-honour/assistant however assumes its a prank (HOW? WHY? WHO DOES THAT?) and throws the DVD in a flowerpot. SO then, instead of a lame cute video montage THIS happens:

EMMA ON SPRING BREAK!! WOOO- no?

and then – BRIDE WARS!!

Seriously. I initially fast-forwarded through all this crap, because honestly – I was like WTF have I just wasted precious hours of my life on? But then I had to rewatch to get the screencaps therefore rendering my frantic clicking through the movie moot. Oh well.

But then it turns out that Emma doesn’t even get married. Her boyfriend doesn’t like what she’s become. Wikipedia tells me that he was too controlling, but if I was gonna marry someone and they turned into some psycho bridezilla (groomzilla) I’d deep-six that shit too. I missed the nuances of their utterly realistic relationship due to fast-forwarding though, so maybe he was super-controlling! Kate Liv gets married happily. And you think thats the end but its NOT. See? Coz, a year later Emma gets married to Liv’s brother. Which is not made obvious at all throughout the movie (sarcasm).

And then it turns out they’re pregnant at the same time and due on the same date (June 3rd, if anyone cares). Then the movie ends. I smell a sequeeeel :).

Womb Wars: Two best friends had always dreamed of giving birth in Cedars Sinai Hospital, Room 666. There was deep sentimental value for both of them to this room. By some strange coincidence, they are due on the same date! Neither will give up the room, but only one can give birth in Room 666. Who will win… the Womb Wars!!

Anyhooow… some random thoughts:

  • Movie less than an hour and a half, still felt too long.
  • Are there really people in this world who feel this strongly about their wedding?? I don’t even care about mine. But seriously, these women are best friends. And they are horrible to each other. I was genuinely horrified that some people reviewing on Amazon felt it depicted a realistic bride. Whoever you are bridezillas- ITS NEVER THAT SERIOUS.
  • Kate Hudson’s alien dance. Wish I could make GIFs, it was terrible.
  • Worse than The Bounty Hunter (yes, really) – EVEN WORSE THAN Fool’s Gold. OK maybe comparable to Fool’s Gold. (My opinion of course).
  • 11% on Rotten Tomatoes. Deserves less.
  • I didn’t even fast forward through Hannah Montana the Movie (although I was in Brussels so you know… different situation) but I fast-forwarded through this.
  • Anne Hathaway is truly much MUCH better than Bride Wars. But at least everyone seems to know this.
  • I googled womb wars to see if anyone had somehow already come up with this idea and made an awesome picture because I’m too lazy. But all there was was right-wing pro-life  propaganda with pictures of creepy fetuses (fetii?). America ruins everything.
  • Do not watch this movie ever.

, , , , , , ,

2 Comments

“Life is making mistakes”: A Review (and recap!) of The Bounty Hunter

Due to circumstances beyond my control, I am forced to be at work on a Friday with no actual work to do. I’ve already downloaded the Supernatural season 5 finale (if Cas dies I’ll cry – real talk!) and now waiting an hour before going for some other series as well – stupid Hotfile!. So I’m being kind and posting a review of this travesty. I already subjected myself to watching it yesterday so now we must all suffer the consequences.

First and foremost, this movie is no Another Cinderella Story AKA instant classic :). I downloaded it with great good some expectations; I mean its a romcom – its meant to be fluffy and funny and that’s pretty much all it has to be for me to enjoy it.

The Cast: I like Jennifer Aniston and I think she’s funny, despite her playing the same role in every freaking movie. Gerard Butler, I have never seen in a movie. Well I saw him in the beginning of PS I Love You (23% on Rotten Tomatoes) but that movie was so much trash I didn’t even bother to forward to the ending. And I haven’t watched 300. And I will never watch The Ugly Truth.  Oh wait, I saw him in Rock and Rolla – that was awesome!!

The Plot: So, Nicole or Nic – that nickname really annoyed me – is a reporter. Milo Boyd is a bounty hunter. He used to be a detective but he got fired probably for being an alcoholic and a gambling addict. He gets his next assignment after an utterly hilarious chase sequence with a guy on stilts … *tumbleweed* … and to his delight, its to get his ex-wife, Nic (ugh). She missed a court date because of a juicy story and is now a fugitive. So he chases her round NY and Atlantic City among other places. Hilarity ensues.

Kidnap + tasers + getting punched in the nuts=high comedy!

**NB: SPOILERS GALORE BELOW**

Or not. This movie sucks bronze monkey balls. The main plot is ridiculous and it’s flanked by absolutely pointless subplots.  Nicole’s stumbled onto a story (she’s an investigative reporter apparently) and it turns out to be BIG. The BIGGEST. (It’s just people obtaining coke from the evidence room when a case doesn’t go to trial. That’s not even real stealing!) Soon she’s got useless assassins in black SUVs trying to kill her.  Ugh. Meanwhile Milo gets Nic, she gives him $500 and says he can turn into $10 000 which is more than he gets for returning her, therefore he should let her go so that she can continue to investigate this “story”.

He doesn’t manage it (and loses the $8k he’d won thus far to boot), and in the process of running away from the assassins and from Milo’s casino people to whom he owes $11 000 they return to the Bed and Breakfast where they had their honeymoon (and where the owners remember them from three years ago and how in love they were and are, natch) and recall their old lives and try to figure out where it all went wrong. That’s when we get this priceless quote:

Nicole Hurley: Life is making mistakes.
Milo Boyd: And death is wishing you had made more.

Nope. There are some I wish I never made. Like wasting two hours of my life on this (more if you count snack preparation time)!

Anyway Nic and Milo are about to get back together when the “conflict” comes up. You know, the mandatory conflict that MUST occur in every single romcom. In this case, Milo makes a manly man comment to his boss about getting some and Nicole overhears and gets pissed off because she thought it was all for real. Which it was but Milo wanted to be all fratboy-like. So she handcuffs him to the bed and runs away after which she is promptly kidnapped by the casino goons. Stupid woman.

OK lets divert for a second to the sideplots (gotta have some suspense you know):

Sideplot 1: Nicole’s completely crazy workmate Dwight (I thought it was Stuart till I looked it up on IMDB) who believes he is in a relationship because they made out once when she was drunk, and keeps calling her to check on their “relationship”.

Hiding in the ladies bathroom... not weird at all bro

Anyway, after following Nicole and Milo everywhere like the crazy that he is, Dwight ends up being mistaken for Milo by one of the casino goons following Milo and gets his leg broken, injected with horse tranquilizer and the last we see of him he is “breaking up” with Nicole. Kind of.

Sideplot 2: Milo’s best friend Bobby, some black cop guy ends up looking very likely to be involved in the dastardly coke plot but in the end turns out he was a double agent and is of course a good guy. He still gets shot though (its always the black ones)! He wasn’t even in the trailer so no screenshots. He was lame. I wish he’d been bad.

There were others but I can’t be bothered.

In the end… Milo frees Nicole from where the goons have her, in some club, by taking their money (thousands and thousands of dolla dolla bills y’all) and using it to start a riot. They get back to NYC just in time to save the magical negro from the bad guy. Then Milo takes Nic to jail. She uses her one phone call to phone in her story which apparently is “just like her”… career-women you know. BTW this has been a specific complaint against her throughout the movie, that she is too career driven. Even by her mom. Subtle, Hollywood.

Then Milo punches a cop who disses him for being a wanna-be/has-been (WHICH HE IS!! Hello, Living in the Past meet Milo!!) so he gets arrested. Then they kiss. Then it ends. Probably.

Terrible.

Some random thoughts:

This movie should have been a lot shorter. They should’ve cut out the “action” – it was lame. Romcoms should be romcoms not action-adventure/mystery/Nancy Drewy romcoms!!

The black guy should HAVE BEEN BAD! Why does every single little freaking thing have to turn out good?

What happened to Milo’s debt? Just because the casino goons didn’t catch him doesn’t mean they won’t stop trying. Plus now he took MORE of their money and threw it all away in the club… He gon’ die!!!

The director is Andy Tennant, who also directed Fool’s Gold and Hitch. Compared to Fool’s Gold this movie is Oscar-worthy. So its not the worst of the worst.

8% rating on Rotten Tomatoes. Eight per cent!! HAHA.

Gerard Butler has a teeerrrible American accent in the beginning of the movie. It gets better with time. He also looks really dirty. Yuk. Also his character is a massive bully.

Finally, I begun writing this last week and realised it was slowly making me lose the will to live. But I came back ready and willing woop!

PS: Supernatural finale was fiyaaaah 🙂 Can’t wait for Season 6!! Although it would also have been a fitting series finale. Let’s see what they do next season 🙂

, , , , , , , ,

5 Comments